It's Sunday morning and the house is silent. My smelly boys are still asleep and muffins are cooking in the oven. Sadly, I am only slightly domestic on the weekends. So, for the moment, I am stuck in the muddy mess of my thoughts.
At the present time I am feeling really lost in my faith. I feel like I am wandering around in circles with the same ideas just bouncing around in my head. I haven't lost my faith, I just don't know what to do with it at the moment. I don't doubt the Lord's love for me, but I am doubting something and I'm not sure what it is. I miss going to church, but I don't know if I actually miss church or if I miss church with Kathie. I love having Christians around me at school. As a matter of fact, this is the first time I have worked at a place with so many Christians. Have any of you ever just felt ambivalent in your faith? Does that make sense? At the moment it is an absolute struggle to open my bible or devotional. I keep finding other things that feel more important. I'm not saying they are more important, they just feel more important. Ok, this is sounding more lame as I go along. I will leave it at this ugly mess of words and move on to grading.
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3 comments:
Do I feel ambivalent about my faith? Does all the time count? You know, Sundays are especially bad for this for me. Kathie even called Sunday night with a sympathetic "how are you coping" call, because it is so easy, on the supposed day of rest to let my mind go in a million bad and lame directions.
I don't have a cool answer, but I have noticed for me that I get discontent and dissatisfied when I try to "do" the faith instead of "be" with God. I think I'm a failure cause I don't go to church or don't think enough about trying to be good...because in that mindset, everywhere I look, I'm a screw up. I don't give enough, or love enough or support enough. This morning, I couldn't even kill a spider the right way and so now, of course it's in my closet, probably waiting in the armpit of the shirt I'm going to wear later. Sheesh.
Things straighten out for me when I, what a concept, just talk to God. And try to know him better. Not try to impress him. My question is, what is it to be a human in God's eyes and to know the answer, I have to talk to him regular-like. And ask him about this and ask him to be God.
It's a thing I feel I fail at every day. But that might not be how he sees it.
Thanks for putting your thoughts out there. They are honest and true. That's for sure a start.
Ya, Sundays are bad for me too. I spend the bulk of the day feeling guilty about not being at church. I never feel like I do enough or that I am good enough. I can't ever keep my big, whiny mouth shut and then I regret it because I know that it's not the Christian thing to do. I get the question about what it is to be human in his eyes!
Thanks for taking the time to answer my question.
There's not an easy answer. Well there's lots of easy answers, and a bazillion books have been written full of them. They're just not good answers necessarily.
I have found that fellowship is a big component though - and I think scripture supports that. We thrive the most when we spend time with other Christians - ones who know us.
I did a sermon a while back about Elijah, and how after the most successful day of his life, he got scared and discouraged and ran away to go mope up on a mountain.
There's an interesting exchange between Elijah and God, but one interesting thing that comes from it is that God tells Elijah to go and find Elisha.
God gave him a buddy, and they were together until Elijah hitched the chariot ride to heaven.
So yeah - you're with other Christians at school it sounds like, but there's no real substitute for that sweet fellowship with people who really know you.
Not sure how useful this all is to you, but its a thought anyhow.
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