This sucks!

So today I have retreated in total and utter exhaustion. Me, kleenex (actually my sleeve), coffee, and three recorded episodes of Guiding Light. Pitiful! Yesterday was so surreal and I haven't figured out how to describe it yet. I went to help clean up Grandma's house and I ended up sitting around for 16 hours. Mom and her sisters weren't ready for help so I hid in the sewing room with my dad eating junk food and watching TV. I have never felt so detached from anything in my life. It was almost like I was the neighbor and not related to the woman. I know that they (my mom and her sisters) are grieving and they need to do that but they seem to forget that there are seven grandchildren that are also grieving.

As I sat looking around the house I realized how little our stuff means when we are gone. It felt like one minute she was here and the next minute her life was reduced to the duck-shaped salt and pepper shakers on the stove. Who would end up with those things? She had them forever and they were always on the stove. I must have used them a million times. Who would even want them? Would the next person that used them know what a wonderful woman she was? They are just salt and pepper shakers, but they were HER salt and pepper shakers. What am I going to do with duck salt and pepper shakers? I don't know but I don't want some stranger using Grandma's salt and pepper shakers. Is she sitting up there watching us decide who gets all of her stuff? Is she laughing and saying "they were just salt and pepper shakers; nothing special about those" or is she in awe of the sadness surrounding the salt and pepper shakers?

I don't want my mom to be so sad. She lost her best friend and I don't quite know how to help her grieve and grieve myself at the same time. This all seems to get a little easier when I write it down so forgive me if I drone on and on in these blogs.

Great finds

I found this today in Grandma's wallet -

Hands of a Friend, by RK and GPP

Thank you, Lord, for the friends who love me as I am. Who care for me tho I may slip and fall. Friends with gentle hands applauding when I win and lifing me when I am feeling small. Hands of a friend, wonderful gift, hands that affirm, comfort and lift.

Thank you for your Son who lived, so I could see how to live my life, to walk the way...Your Son, whose gentle hands healed with just a touch; who taught us, hands can love and lead and pray. Hands of a friend, wonderful gift, hands that affirm, comfort and lift.

Teach me Lord, to be your hands here in our world, reaching out in giving, work and prayer. Wherever I may go, whom ever I may touch, may what I do confirm your presence there. Hands of a friend, teach me to be ever and always, living for thee.

In loving memory

Well, what a weekend. I applied for my credential so I can feel that job right around the corner. Being patient is not my stongest attribute. I decided to be good and go with the "the outcome is already planned, and nothing I do is going to change that so just wait" approach. For the most part, it is working well. I know God has a plan for me and I just have to watch it unfold. At the moment I am thinking that it had something to do with my grandmother. For about a year she was very ill and we all knew that there would not be much time left with her but we all kept putting off going down to visit or making those "hi, how are you" phone calls. Well, because I was not working, I was able to go down and spend a couple of days with her right after New Years. She was in the hospital so we didn't do anything really fun but I was with her and we just sat together and talked. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I had a full-time job. I got to tell her that I loved her. That was the most important part of the trip. This brave, outgoing, vibrant, funny, loving woman passed away this weekend and it sucks! So, becuase I don't have a job, I was able to be there for my mom in ways that I wouldn't have if I had to leave work. We are headed down today to clean out the house (this is the house that my mom and her sisters grew up in so that makes it even more sad) and to tie up any loose ends. For a while there I was cursing God becuase I didn't have a job or even a job prospect. Of course, now I feel silly for that becuase He knows what He is doing. I have praised Him over and over that I was able to spend time with her and my mom. I have praise Him becuase, in the end, she did not suffer and the room was full of family. I praise Him most of all becuase she was a Christian and I know she is with Him now. The strange thing is, that is the first grandparent I have that was a Christian and I feel more settled with this one than I did with the others. I have no doubts that she is in a better place, free from pain and suffering. Wow, what a feeling.

In loving memory of Betty Jean Bush -- June 26, 1922 - January 26, 2007

Well, what a weekend. I applied for my credential so I can feel that job right around the corner. Being patient is not my stongest attribute. I decided to be good and go with the "the outcome is already planned, and nothing I do is going to change that so just wait" approach. For the most part, it is working well. I know God has a plan for me and I just have to watch it unfold. At the moment I am thinking that it had something to do with my grandmother. For about a year she was very ill and we all knew that there would not be much time left with her but we all kept putting off going down to visit or making those "hi, how are you" phone calls. Well, because I was not working, I was able to go down and spend a couple of days with her right after New Years. She was in the hospital so we didn't do anything really fun but I was with her and we just sat together and talked. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I had a full-time job. I got to tell her that I loved her. That was the most important part of the trip. This brave, outgoing, vibrant, funny, loving woman passed away this weekend and it sucks! So, becuase I don't have a job, I was able to be there for my mom in ways that I wouldn't have if I had to leave work. We are headed down today to clean out the house (this is the house that my mom and her sisters grew up in so that makes it even more sad) and to tie up any loose ends. For a while there I was cursing God becuase I didn't have a job or even a job prospect. Of course, now I feel silly for that becuase He knows what He is doing. I have praised Him over and over that I was able to spend time with her and my mom. I have praise Him becuase, in the end, she did not suffer and the room was full of family. I praise Him most of all becuase she was a Christian and I know she is with Him now. The strange thing is, that is the first grandparent I have that was a Christian and I feel more settled with this one than I did with the others. I have no doubts that she is in a better place, free from pain and suffering. Wow, what a feeling.

In loving memory of Betty Jean Bush -- June 26, 1922 - January 26, 2007

On my way

Isn’t it amazing how fast the holidays come and go? I can’t believe that it’s already the middle of January. Our holidays were wonderful and very blessed. Most of all, they were relaxing because we were lucky enough to be home most of the time.

Whew! I passed the RICA and scored well on my last class project!!!!!! YEAH. I can now apply for my credential. I can’t believe that it’s really over. Christina, take the RICA now. Don’t wait, just rip the Band-Aid off and get it over.

Now, to get a job. It’s not as easy as one would think. Our district is a little unorganized and every time I go to give them the paperwork they asked for they ask me for something else. I have been doing this since October. I just want to work. UGH! I think, if all goes well, I should be on the sub list by the end of next week. I can’t wait to get back in the classroom. Don’t get me wrong, these last few weeks at home have been great but with no small children at home, I am soooo bored. I don’t think I can vacuum one more time. My house has never been cleaner and I’m pretty sure that I have baked about 10 dozen cookies. Tim loves having me home but I think Paul Bunyan would rather have mom back at work and not breathing down his neck as soon as he gets home from school.

I’m not sure how the process of getting hired full time will go for me. I have heard stories of people that get jobs right away and then I have heard stories of people being promised jobs just to be passed over in the final selection stage. Because I have only had two jobs in 17 years, I have only had to interview twice in my life. That part scares me more than being in a classroom with 30 kids. I will take any position I can get but I am saying little prayers for LGE (if there end up being any openings). That school site is amazing and the faculty is wonderful. I went back in December to make candy trains and I was sad to leave at the end of the day.

Hopefully by the end of next week I will be working again!