Big week. I was able to teach for six days in a row. For those of you who are going to get me on the little stuff...that is Friday of last week and Monday - Friday of this week.

I started out in sixth grade for three days. The jury is still out on that grade. I headed to second for two days. Can I tell you how adorable second-graders are? So cute! Not a bad grade either. Old enough to be able to follow a discussion about a book and young enough to love teachers unconditionally. I like that. Today I was back in my first grade class. I love those kids but I am exhausted. Lots of tattling and tears today. I will blame it on the following: Friday, Spring Break, nice weather, spring, 6 years old. Get the picture?

Have I said how much I like this job? Only about a million times. I can not wait to have my own classroom. I find myself teacher shopping all the time. I want to buy fun books and posters but I have to wait until I know what grade I'm teaching and that makes me sad. Oh well...soon enough!

On another note...I am taking Paul Bunyan down to get his permit tomorrow. I'm not sure I'm emotionally ready for this event. He will be 16 on Saturday. I know I'm not ready for THAT! Wow, sixteen years and I often feel like I know less about parenting than before he was born. I must admit that this is the most frightening blessing one can receive. Some people with no children or small children always think that parenting an older child is easier. I am here to tell you that is a myth. So I don't have to worry about him drinking the stuff under the sink or drowning in a bucket of water, but in six months my baby boy will be operating a large vehicle alone. Those haunting nightmares of things that can happen to a small child have long since faded and are now replaced by new nightmares of mangled cars and such. No way to avoid worrying about our kids is there? Well, this turned into a not-so-cheery post now, didn't it?

More fun...I get to head out to Boise to celebrate an upcoming birthday! I can't wait!

Comfort and Joy

Comfort - Brownie chunks and chocolate chip cookie dough in chocolate ice cream! That's all I have to say! I'm not a big ice cream fan, but that stuff is heaven and manages to make the yuckiest day seem good.

Joy - I get to sub for Janet at LGE tomorrow! Yeah, fifth grade!!!!!!!!!!

I love teaching. Have I mentioned that yet. Even first grade has grown on me and I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. So, I sit and wait and pray for a job to open. I did discover that snow days are more fun when you get paid to stay home. I was supposed to sub in 5th grade at LGE last week and both of my days were interrupted by snow days. I was actually sad because I was looking forward to working, especially at LGE. Oh well. I get to sub for Janet on the 16th and I am really looking forward to that. Sub jobs seem to come in waves. Some weeks are a heavy load and some are really dry. One prayer was answered; the Conference Center called to see if I would work for them part-time. Yeah money! It's kind of fun to be there being able to make my own schedule and knowing that it's not forever. They work around my sub jobs. As a matter of fact, they are being so great and working around anything in my life. What a wonderful way to work.

Fun news is that my sister might be moving back to the mountain. San Diego has been good for them but they want to be back near family. I can't wait to have my babies back here and sometimes I even miss Heidi. Just kidding...I do miss hanging out with her on a regular basis. I'm looking forward to having time this summer to be the auntie that I want to be. Mom and I already have a ton of field trips planned.

Off to find something to do...

Just needed to get it off my mind...

So, I have come to an impasse. What do I want to write about? I had a whole speech in defense of something that was said about me but that seems pretty self-centered now. What I will focus on is how annoyed I am at “those” people that cannot be honest about shortcomings and choose to shine a spotlight on other people's shortcomings. Does that make sense? At the moment I am really peeved and my brain is working much faster than my fingers. What I mean to say is, it seems as though there are people in the world that use other's shortcomings as ammo. Ok, here is the deal. Unfortunately, I am one of those people that talks a lot and I end up becoming an open book. There is very little that my friends do not know about me and that is fine with me. Now, I don't necessarily share info with my friends so they will sling it back at me some day in a pathetic attempt to make themselves feel better about their lives.

I am speaking about “those” perpetually “happy” people that aren't really happy, they just want everyone to believe they are happy. Don't get me wrong, I know there are people in the world that are happy but let's face it, we all have our dark days. We all have issues in our lives. We all have days when our spouse is REALLY annoying and our kids make us want to run and hide. Does that make us awful people? No, it makes us human. It is also human to confide those feelings to our friends. Notice I said confide...not make a bullet out of it and fire it back at me via another person. Ugh! This would probably have been easier if I wrote about what happened but I can't do that.

I guess my feelings are hurt and I am having a hard time letting go of the crap. I know that I should. I know that I should pray for the person that was shooting at me because they have some issues that really need prayer, especially when that pedestal they are standing on gets knocked down. I know that I will get to that point but it is not going to be today. Enough of this. My brain is sad and tired and I need to bake so cookies. That is of course if I don't eat all the batter first.

Boring post

For anyone that was wondering...I made it through Friday with no incidents. I promise that will be the last gross post for me.

My first day of subbing was great but 8th graders are not very bright. For the most part they assumed that I was blind and deaf. I ended up being "mean sub lady" and that's ok by me. Tuesday and Wednesday I was in a first grade class at VOE and that was wonderful. Elementary is defiantely the place for me. I have two more jobs lined up for next week and this seems to be going along pretty well.

I recieved my credential on Friday so now begins the job search. I found an opening in Yucaipa and I have to decide if I want to drive that far. I'm going to keep my eyes and ears open for spots up here.

Kathie is louder than my intestines!

Seriously!

This has been a long week and I am exhausted, mentally and physically. The good news is that I have my first sub job tomorrow! YEAH! Here is my dilemma..

I got home today after two days at Grandma's and my stomach is really messed up. I decided that since I didn't have any plans for Friday I would take a laxative to help my stomach. Actually, I decided that I would take three. Why? Well, because I wasn't going anywhere and my stomach was really bugging me. Fast forward and hour and I am talking to Kathie on the phone. We are discussing the fact that there is a sub job available for tomorrow and I don't know if I should take it because it is at MPH. The good news is that the teacher is a friend from high school and one of Paul Bunyan's past teachers. Kathie reminds me that she will leave very detailed sub plans and it would be a great experience for me. She also adds that it would be a wonderful ending to an amazingly awful week. Does she stop there? Of course not! She adds that it would make her week for me to take the job. "Push the button" she says, "Push the button". What do I do? Of course, I push the button. I'm excited and after our conversation I call my parents, sister, friends, Tim...you get the picture. Fast forward another hour when I start to notice that my stomach is feeling a little uneasy. That's when it dawns on me, "Oh crap, I just took three laxatives!" Seemed like such a good idea at the time. Knowing Kathie as we all do, you know she is the person I have to call and tell. She laughs a sickening, vicious laugh and begs me to put this in the blog...just in case you were wondering why I felt the need to tell this beautiful TMI story that is obviously not my style! She then reminds me that this is just like the time I ate a cucumber and a bowl of bean with bacon soup for lunch and went to the movies later in the afternoon. That falls under the heading of "Do not try this at home, I am a professional." Now what do I do? Do I take an Imodium? Will mixing those two things kill me? Do I just pray really hard tonight that I don't have to run to the restroom every 45 minutes on the day of my first sub job? Do I fast until tomorrow at 4pm? How stupid am I? Don't answer that one!

Wish me luck and don't let Nancy read this entry.

This sucks!

So today I have retreated in total and utter exhaustion. Me, kleenex (actually my sleeve), coffee, and three recorded episodes of Guiding Light. Pitiful! Yesterday was so surreal and I haven't figured out how to describe it yet. I went to help clean up Grandma's house and I ended up sitting around for 16 hours. Mom and her sisters weren't ready for help so I hid in the sewing room with my dad eating junk food and watching TV. I have never felt so detached from anything in my life. It was almost like I was the neighbor and not related to the woman. I know that they (my mom and her sisters) are grieving and they need to do that but they seem to forget that there are seven grandchildren that are also grieving.

As I sat looking around the house I realized how little our stuff means when we are gone. It felt like one minute she was here and the next minute her life was reduced to the duck-shaped salt and pepper shakers on the stove. Who would end up with those things? She had them forever and they were always on the stove. I must have used them a million times. Who would even want them? Would the next person that used them know what a wonderful woman she was? They are just salt and pepper shakers, but they were HER salt and pepper shakers. What am I going to do with duck salt and pepper shakers? I don't know but I don't want some stranger using Grandma's salt and pepper shakers. Is she sitting up there watching us decide who gets all of her stuff? Is she laughing and saying "they were just salt and pepper shakers; nothing special about those" or is she in awe of the sadness surrounding the salt and pepper shakers?

I don't want my mom to be so sad. She lost her best friend and I don't quite know how to help her grieve and grieve myself at the same time. This all seems to get a little easier when I write it down so forgive me if I drone on and on in these blogs.

Great finds

I found this today in Grandma's wallet -

Hands of a Friend, by RK and GPP

Thank you, Lord, for the friends who love me as I am. Who care for me tho I may slip and fall. Friends with gentle hands applauding when I win and lifing me when I am feeling small. Hands of a friend, wonderful gift, hands that affirm, comfort and lift.

Thank you for your Son who lived, so I could see how to live my life, to walk the way...Your Son, whose gentle hands healed with just a touch; who taught us, hands can love and lead and pray. Hands of a friend, wonderful gift, hands that affirm, comfort and lift.

Teach me Lord, to be your hands here in our world, reaching out in giving, work and prayer. Wherever I may go, whom ever I may touch, may what I do confirm your presence there. Hands of a friend, teach me to be ever and always, living for thee.

In loving memory

Well, what a weekend. I applied for my credential so I can feel that job right around the corner. Being patient is not my stongest attribute. I decided to be good and go with the "the outcome is already planned, and nothing I do is going to change that so just wait" approach. For the most part, it is working well. I know God has a plan for me and I just have to watch it unfold. At the moment I am thinking that it had something to do with my grandmother. For about a year she was very ill and we all knew that there would not be much time left with her but we all kept putting off going down to visit or making those "hi, how are you" phone calls. Well, because I was not working, I was able to go down and spend a couple of days with her right after New Years. She was in the hospital so we didn't do anything really fun but I was with her and we just sat together and talked. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I had a full-time job. I got to tell her that I loved her. That was the most important part of the trip. This brave, outgoing, vibrant, funny, loving woman passed away this weekend and it sucks! So, becuase I don't have a job, I was able to be there for my mom in ways that I wouldn't have if I had to leave work. We are headed down today to clean out the house (this is the house that my mom and her sisters grew up in so that makes it even more sad) and to tie up any loose ends. For a while there I was cursing God becuase I didn't have a job or even a job prospect. Of course, now I feel silly for that becuase He knows what He is doing. I have praised Him over and over that I was able to spend time with her and my mom. I have praise Him becuase, in the end, she did not suffer and the room was full of family. I praise Him most of all becuase she was a Christian and I know she is with Him now. The strange thing is, that is the first grandparent I have that was a Christian and I feel more settled with this one than I did with the others. I have no doubts that she is in a better place, free from pain and suffering. Wow, what a feeling.

In loving memory of Betty Jean Bush -- June 26, 1922 - January 26, 2007

Well, what a weekend. I applied for my credential so I can feel that job right around the corner. Being patient is not my stongest attribute. I decided to be good and go with the "the outcome is already planned, and nothing I do is going to change that so just wait" approach. For the most part, it is working well. I know God has a plan for me and I just have to watch it unfold. At the moment I am thinking that it had something to do with my grandmother. For about a year she was very ill and we all knew that there would not be much time left with her but we all kept putting off going down to visit or making those "hi, how are you" phone calls. Well, because I was not working, I was able to go down and spend a couple of days with her right after New Years. She was in the hospital so we didn't do anything really fun but I was with her and we just sat together and talked. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I had a full-time job. I got to tell her that I loved her. That was the most important part of the trip. This brave, outgoing, vibrant, funny, loving woman passed away this weekend and it sucks! So, becuase I don't have a job, I was able to be there for my mom in ways that I wouldn't have if I had to leave work. We are headed down today to clean out the house (this is the house that my mom and her sisters grew up in so that makes it even more sad) and to tie up any loose ends. For a while there I was cursing God becuase I didn't have a job or even a job prospect. Of course, now I feel silly for that becuase He knows what He is doing. I have praised Him over and over that I was able to spend time with her and my mom. I have praise Him becuase, in the end, she did not suffer and the room was full of family. I praise Him most of all becuase she was a Christian and I know she is with Him now. The strange thing is, that is the first grandparent I have that was a Christian and I feel more settled with this one than I did with the others. I have no doubts that she is in a better place, free from pain and suffering. Wow, what a feeling.

In loving memory of Betty Jean Bush -- June 26, 1922 - January 26, 2007

On my way

Isn’t it amazing how fast the holidays come and go? I can’t believe that it’s already the middle of January. Our holidays were wonderful and very blessed. Most of all, they were relaxing because we were lucky enough to be home most of the time.

Whew! I passed the RICA and scored well on my last class project!!!!!! YEAH. I can now apply for my credential. I can’t believe that it’s really over. Christina, take the RICA now. Don’t wait, just rip the Band-Aid off and get it over.

Now, to get a job. It’s not as easy as one would think. Our district is a little unorganized and every time I go to give them the paperwork they asked for they ask me for something else. I have been doing this since October. I just want to work. UGH! I think, if all goes well, I should be on the sub list by the end of next week. I can’t wait to get back in the classroom. Don’t get me wrong, these last few weeks at home have been great but with no small children at home, I am soooo bored. I don’t think I can vacuum one more time. My house has never been cleaner and I’m pretty sure that I have baked about 10 dozen cookies. Tim loves having me home but I think Paul Bunyan would rather have mom back at work and not breathing down his neck as soon as he gets home from school.

I’m not sure how the process of getting hired full time will go for me. I have heard stories of people that get jobs right away and then I have heard stories of people being promised jobs just to be passed over in the final selection stage. Because I have only had two jobs in 17 years, I have only had to interview twice in my life. That part scares me more than being in a classroom with 30 kids. I will take any position I can get but I am saying little prayers for LGE (if there end up being any openings). That school site is amazing and the faculty is wonderful. I went back in December to make candy trains and I was sad to leave at the end of the day.

Hopefully by the end of next week I will be working again!

Merry Christmas to all...

It is that time of year, the time when you sit and reflect not only on the past year but your life in general.

Michael's loss of a dear friend and the terminal illness of my grandmother have made me think a lot this particular Christmas season. I have thought about those "things" I keep forgetting to say to loved ones. I have thought about those friends that I don't keep in touch with. I have thought about the people that God has brought into my life. I am so blessed to have had such amazing people wander in and out of my life. I am blessed to have a child that is so awesome I often wonder how God could be so gracious as to put him in my life. I am blessed to have a wonderful, understanding, patient, loving husband/friend. I am blessed to have friends that have stayed with me through thick and really, really thin. I am blessed to have a loving and stable extended family. I am blessed with parents that have become friends. I am blessed with not only a roof over my head, but a warm "home". Most of all, I am blessed to have a relationship with the Lord.

My wish for you all is simple...I wish you the merriest of holiday seasons and hope you and your loved ones are well and happy this Christmas!!!

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas!!

YEAH!!!!! Today was my last day of student teaching. There were days that seemed to go on forever but the fourteen weeks really just flew by! Both of my master teachers were amazing and this was a great experience. Now, if I could just get paid I'd be in heaven.

I spent Thursday at LGE making candy trains with Nancy. I love that school and all of the teachers. I never laugh as hard as I do when I'm with Nancy and Janet. I would kill to get a position at there. I loved making the candy trains...maybe because I've only done it once and the other teachers have done it 15 times. The kids were so great and I knew that I missed them but didn't know how much until I got 30 hugs, 3 Christmas cards, and an ornament. Those kids are so neat. Our kids were really good with the trains...Janet's class, on the other hand, was creating train massacres with dead Santas and gummi bears. Nancy said it never occurred to her to warn her class against doing that...go figure. Despite some slimy icing and rebelling moms, it was one of the best days.

Off to buy a tree...

Brighter Days

Ok, I'm getting over feeling sorry for myself and things seem to be sailing right along these days. I only have one more day of class and all we are doing is going out to eat. YEAH! I'm working on my final project and that should be done by the 19th. My last day of student teaching is on the 15th and I will have three precious weeks off for the first time in 17 years. I have a ton of projects planned and I am just looking forward to spending time with Kath and my family. Whew! I can't believe that it's almost over! Thank you all for your love, support, and unfailing belief!

Kath, I got you on this one. So I wasn't eating chocolate while watching a weight-loss show but I did spend this morning drinking coffee and eating gummi bears and peanut m&m's while switching between "Davey and Goliath" and "Little House on the Prairie". Can you tell Tim is gone for his reserve weekend?

Did you ever feel so far away from God that you think you couldn’t get any further away? I feel like I have always believed that God would provide but I am having a hard time with that one at this moment. This is the first time in 17 years that I am not bringing in a pay check. Not sure how to deal with that. I was alright at first but the longer it goes on, the worse I deal with it. I know that I want to teach and I know that I love the kids but I hate not getting paid. I know that student teaching was the right choice for me but I hate feeling like I am not contributing to the family income. Tim hasn’t said a word so I know that it’s my ego pulling me in the wrong direction. It seems like everything I do, say, and feel is so ugly these days and that really bothers me.

Working towards being a teacher is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I’m not used to having to jump through so many hoops to do what I need to do. I didn’t do very well on my last project and I have to go in for counseling with one of the professors. I have no idea what I did wrong and they don’t seem to be in too much of a hurry to help me fix what I messed up. Frustrating…more frustrating that I pay them a butt-load of money and they don’t seem to feel the need to return phone messages or emails in a timely manner. The problem with all of this you ask…I can’t apply for my credential until I fix the project. UGH!

Next, I have yet another test to take. I don’t have the energy or the desire to open the book to study and that is a problem because the test is on Saturday. Ok, so I passed all of my other tests on the first try and with very little studying but this just feels different. I have always been fairly lucky with this type of stuff and have been able to go through life getting what I want with what feels like very little effort. These hoops are really working me over and I realized just how spoiled I really am. Again, ego pulling me farther are farther away from what I know is right.

I have one last project due in two weeks and I don’t want to start it until I know what I did wrong on the last one. Lame? I think so too. I really should get started and stop saving this stuff until the last minute but the desire is disappearing. Nancy and Tony gave me a book titled, "Grace for the Moment' by Max Lucado, and I just can’t seem to open it. I don’t feel very deserving of His grace right now. I feel selfish and ugly and whiny! Bigger UGH!

My turn on the soap box!

Ok, so my first thought was to reply to Christina's post about stupid, gossiping people but I decided that I had way too much to say to put it in a response, so here goes!

What ever happened to parental responsibility? Those moms that Christina saw at the soccer game probably think that there is too much homework because it conflicts with soccer practice, nail appointments, weekday church functions, play dates, shopping, etc. I can't tell you how many parents I have run into, in just the last couple of months of being a teacher, that are upset by homework because it conflicts with their own schooling. Give me a break! Do you want your kids to succeed or do you want them to be a complete and utter failure? If you want them to succeed and be an asset to society, they need to be your first priority! Homework, if given for the right reasons and checked over by parents, serves a very valuable purpose. They had homework as children and our children's children will have homework. That's how school works. Most teachers don't give actual "homework" much anymore anyway. Most of the homework is classwork that the student did not complete becuase they did not use their time wisely in the first place.

Now, for the test scores at the school they were talking about...They don't know what they are talking about and they don't have any idea what happened with the test scores. Most of the teachers at that school are amazing and care a ton about the students and their jobs. They are only gossiping and we all know where that leads. With the second year of school improvement, they are welcome to send their children to a different school and yes, the district does have to pay for it. But, lets face it, if these parents don't want to deal with homework, they are not going to want to deal with their children being bussed to another school in a different city. They don't have the follow through to help with school work so they will not follow through with their threats to pull their children. Not to mention, the minute they tell their children that they have to leave their friends and teacher and move to a different school, things at home will not be pretty. They are welcome to send them to a private school. Many private schools are expensive and require much more parental involvement than public schools. Let's not even talk about the fact the you don't need a credential to teach in most private schools. Go for it laides!

Ok, back to parental responsibility...We teachers only have the kids for six hours a day and those six hours includes recess or recesses and lunch. Who is responsible for the other 18 hours in the day? Some parents feel that learning should only happen at school. Ok, but I have 29 other students. I don't have the time to work with each student individually on the math facts they should already know by fifth grade. What are parents doing with the rest of the day? Working? Ok, I will give them that but I was a single mom and Christina is a single mom and neither of us believe that teachers are the only people responsible for our children's learning, grades, and success. Sadly, we are not the majority. I am willing to bet the paycheck that I would be getting if I got paid for student teaching that Christina never puts her homework before the welfare of her children. I'm thinking that she does Donovan's homework and saves hers for after the kids go to bed. Just the way Michael puts his kids before his grading. That's what parents do. Why have kids if you want the schools to raise them? That's a whole other soap box topic.

Ok, I think I'm done...you can stop laughign Kath!

Sad songs, they say so much...

What a pain in the rear! I just wrote this whole bolg, forgot to save, and lost the whole thing. It was actually lucid and funny. UGH!

I'm sad! Tomorrow is my last day at LGE and I REALLY don't want to leave. I can't believe how weepy I am about not being able to talk and giggle with Nancy and Janet. The teacher's and staff are amazing and extremely supportive. They took me in and treated me like I was one of the gang. I get teary every time I thing about leaving.

We went to the Living Desert yesterday and I had a great time. Ok, so the bus ride with 75 kids was a little unnerving but the place is beautiful. With Paul Bunyan being 15 I forgot what it was like to watch kids get excited about a baby giraffe. The kids were more fun to watch than the animals. I knew that I would love this job, but I had not idea how much I would miss it when it was time to go. BIG CROCODILE TEARS!

My next assignment is LAE in first grade. I'm not sure how I feel about LAE or first grade. One thing I know for sure...no more SSR for thirty minutes. Oh, the other thing I know...lots of crying. I might just implode or maybe I will just do some serious praying.

By the way, I miss you too Kath! I miss our Sundays. Paul Bunyan wont sing and he doesn't giggle. I miss our chocolate chip scones. I had one the other day and it just wasn't the same. Sorry to spit this out but you know what a crummy friend I am anyway. :)

Enough bellyachin'!

...and down will come Holly...

Today the happy Holly was replaced by the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever, not sleeping better, not feeling better, want to puke my brains out Holly. What fun this is...They warned me that this would happen once I entered the land of germs-a-plenty. It takes you getting sick to really watch what those little buggers do and touch once they cough and sneeze all over their little, fifth-grade hands...precious! Nancy being the teacher/mom sent me home so I'm pretty sure the guilt I feel about leaving early will kill me faster than being sick. Ok, pity party is over...at least I didn't have to travel feeling like this...sorry Kath!

I'm trying to get over the pity thing I've got going on right now. Pastor Dave's sermon on Sunday worked wonders for beating that out of me. He read us a letter written by a church member, teacher, and all-around wonderful person that passed away last week. I didn't know her but the legacy she left behind speaks volumes. The small passage he read was so powerful that it was one of those moments where I realized how blessed my life really is and I need to stop whining!

Medicated and off to bed!

Um

Ok, here goes my first attempt at this blogging thing. Kathie thinks this is a good way for all of us to keep up with each other's lives. I agree so we will see how this all works out. I do enjoy reading all of the other blogs and I have learned a great deal about my friends.

My blog will, most likely, be about my current career change to teaching. The kids do seem to provide hours of entertainment. I have found that even with that being true, their parents are even more entertaining, infuriating but entertaining none the less.

Here goes...

How much do I love this teaching thing? It is absolutely amazing. I have never had a job that made me so happy. Even Joseph says I am more fun to be around these days. I even get up early in the morning so I can get to school and not be rushed. As most of you know, that would never have happened at the Conference Center. As a matter of fact, I was generally late to work because it was such a toxic place to work, but that will be another post some day when I am not so bitter!

My class is amazing and Nancy (Slusser), my master teacher, is so fun to work with. The teachers at the school are all really supportive and willing to share their years of knowledge. My dream at the moment is to end up working at this school. I don't even mind the drive to Lake Gregory. How many other schools have a lake view? None is the answer to that question. Now, if I could just be done with the credential part of all of this, life would be just about perfect.

Enough for now!