So today I have retreated in total and utter exhaustion. Me, kleenex (actually my sleeve), coffee, and three recorded episodes of Guiding Light. Pitiful! Yesterday was so surreal and I haven't figured out how to describe it yet. I went to help clean up Grandma's house and I ended up sitting around for 16 hours. Mom and her sisters weren't ready for help so I hid in the sewing room with my dad eating junk food and watching TV. I have never felt so detached from anything in my life. It was almost like I was the neighbor and not related to the woman. I know that they (my mom and her sisters) are grieving and they need to do that but they seem to forget that there are seven grandchildren that are also grieving.
As I sat looking around the house I realized how little our stuff means when we are gone. It felt like one minute she was here and the next minute her life was reduced to the duck-shaped salt and pepper shakers on the stove. Who would end up with those things? She had them forever and they were always on the stove. I must have used them a million times. Who would even want them? Would the next person that used them know what a wonderful woman she was? They are just salt and pepper shakers, but they were HER salt and pepper shakers. What am I going to do with duck salt and pepper shakers? I don't know but I don't want some stranger using Grandma's salt and pepper shakers. Is she sitting up there watching us decide who gets all of her stuff? Is she laughing and saying "they were just salt and pepper shakers; nothing special about those" or is she in awe of the sadness surrounding the salt and pepper shakers?
As I sat looking around the house I realized how little our stuff means when we are gone. It felt like one minute she was here and the next minute her life was reduced to the duck-shaped salt and pepper shakers on the stove. Who would end up with those things? She had them forever and they were always on the stove. I must have used them a million times. Who would even want them? Would the next person that used them know what a wonderful woman she was? They are just salt and pepper shakers, but they were HER salt and pepper shakers. What am I going to do with duck salt and pepper shakers? I don't know but I don't want some stranger using Grandma's salt and pepper shakers. Is she sitting up there watching us decide who gets all of her stuff? Is she laughing and saying "they were just salt and pepper shakers; nothing special about those" or is she in awe of the sadness surrounding the salt and pepper shakers?
I don't want my mom to be so sad. She lost her best friend and I don't quite know how to help her grieve and grieve myself at the same time. This all seems to get a little easier when I write it down so forgive me if I drone on and on in these blogs.
1 comment:
Oh, honey. I want to be there to sob with you, and to appreciate duck salt and pepper shakers. We would make them quack and do little dances--then we would use them to cover our mac 'n' cheese with salt and pepper. And your grandma would be laughing at us, then she would say, "Honey--those are just salt and pepper shakers. Keep them for awhile. Then let them go when it's time. I left you better things to keep in your heart forever. And I know they will look silly in your blue kitchen. First rule of Bush women--never do anything tacky!"
That's my version anyway :) I love you so much!
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