Today was one of those days where the thoughts just keep coming and they just bump around in your head until you decide to get it on paper. It’s a little like tipping your head over and stuff comes out of your ears. Maybe I have been spending too much time with children. That was a really lame explanation.
I went to church today for the first time since Kath left. It made me wonder what I missed more, church or worshipping with Kathie. It felt really weird at first and then it didn’t. Warning…this post will only make sense to me! I’m not sure how comfortable I really was this morning. Joanna reminded me that sometimes it is about doing what God wants us to do, not what makes us comfortable. That being said, I completely agree but, should you feel nauseous? The worship was a little slow and I like it fast and loud. I love to sing my love of Christ really loud. We repeated some stuff that I wasn’t paying any attention to so I was lost and didn’t much care for that portion of the morning. The sermon, which started after a discussion about marriage and homosexuality that made me uncomfortable, was about Romans 5:1-5 and really hit home for me. I need all to know that I am in no way bashing the church; I am simply writing about my morning. Back to Romans…I often feel like the HUGE mistakes, ok sins, I have committed in my life are branded on my forehead for all to see. I feel like people know what I’ve done and are wondering what kind of Christian I really am. I realize that is my problem and nobody else’s. How vain of me to think that people have nothing else to think about than my salvation. Kathie can attest to the fact that there have been incidents in the past that tend to push me to those thoughts. I do have a couple of people in my life that feel the need to keep track of my indiscretions and remind me and others that I have sinned BIG.
Then, I read Kathie’s post. AMEN sister! That is how I feel every day. I used to pray that I could just be quiet. If I’m quiet, I can’t possibly say something offensive or shove my foot all the way down my throat. Obviously, I have been praying the wrong prayer. I love what Kathie wrote about praying that God puts kind words in my mouth. That’s exactly what I should be praying for these days. I am not always kind and I often say things before I think about them. So, Kathie and the sermon about working hard not to sin the same sin again really kicked my butt today. It’s actually much deeper than that, but that’s what you get today.
I am watching Ace of Cakes and someone ordered a cake of the Titanic sinking with an airplane crashing into the sinking ship. That is EXACTLY how I feel today. Titanic meets Airport 77. I want to go to church, but I want to feel good when I’m there. What’s wrong with warm and fuzzy while I worship? That was a completely rhetorical question for those that are chomping at the bit to tell my why Christianity and my faith are not always warm and fuzzy. I think I will give the church another try next Sunday. Remember the time I took Synnove to LGCC and the pastor was in the baptismal pool in his hip waders? Well, nobody was wearing hip waders so I guess one more chance won’t kill me.
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2 comments:
I love this post. Honest, thoughtful - true. I also love that every time I had an inclination to put a comment saying "but, but!" you cut it off with an "I know, I know!".
Beautiful. What blogging is all about.
If it's any encouragement, there are those of us out here who have no idea any of the sins you've ever committed. Not a clue. Just know that I've enjoyed having fellowship with you and all this crew these past months and years, and that I appreciate your heart.
And an amen and hallelujah to this blog, too.
I had no idea when we saw you yesterday it was your first visit in so long. I would not have taken so much offense at your dissing of my new beard had I known. :)
(Just so you know, that wasn't our usual worship team, who usually is a bit faster and louder. Me, I liked the songs, but I also know I'm a throwback.)
No one who matters would hold any of your past over you. At the bootcamp up in Oregon two weeks ago, a man gave a testimony that would curl your hair—honestly, it sounded like a bad action movie. If anything, that's a greater testament to his new life than those whose stories are more milquetoast.
Feel as you feel, and don't apologize. You are fantastic, and your life now is a beautiful testimony to many around you.
Though as the little brother of one of your best friends, whom you used to delight in mocking, I'm not usually allowed to say that. But I won't hold that over you. ;)
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