I feel like a bad episode of Lost.
It is so apparent that God is in my life as I am surrounded by amazing and truly loving folks like you all. You need to know that I consider you as one of my most wonderful blessings.
After much thought and little sleep, I realized that it's probably more me that needs to forgive me than anyone else. Some of my issues weigh heavily on my mind when I sit in church. I know that God has forgiven me, but I often wonder why. How could anyone forgive some of the stuff that I have done? Then, of course, my mind throws me back to the fact that our Lord is not just "anyone". He is kind and gracious even when we don't deserve it. Actually, ESPECIALLY when we don't deserve it. I never really doubted God's love for me so why do I doubt his grace? Why do I doubt his desire for others to forgive me? Why do I doubt his desire for me to forgive me? Judgement is something that I think about regularly. I know that I am guilty of judging others so I shouldn't be surprised that others might judge me. More verbal vomit...sorry! My brain has been so full of this stuff lately and church made it all come to the surface.
That's all I have for now. More later when I can form some complete thoughts.
BTW - Michael, sorry about the unibomber comment. Your beard looks, well, like a beard. I'm a wife and beards are not my favorite...so, there you go. Notice, I opened my mouth before I thought about what might come out!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Titanic meets Airport 77
Today was one of those days where the thoughts just keep coming and they just bump around in your head until you decide to get it on paper. It’s a little like tipping your head over and stuff comes out of your ears. Maybe I have been spending too much time with children. That was a really lame explanation.
I went to church today for the first time since Kath left. It made me wonder what I missed more, church or worshipping with Kathie. It felt really weird at first and then it didn’t. Warning…this post will only make sense to me! I’m not sure how comfortable I really was this morning. Joanna reminded me that sometimes it is about doing what God wants us to do, not what makes us comfortable. That being said, I completely agree but, should you feel nauseous? The worship was a little slow and I like it fast and loud. I love to sing my love of Christ really loud. We repeated some stuff that I wasn’t paying any attention to so I was lost and didn’t much care for that portion of the morning. The sermon, which started after a discussion about marriage and homosexuality that made me uncomfortable, was about Romans 5:1-5 and really hit home for me. I need all to know that I am in no way bashing the church; I am simply writing about my morning. Back to Romans…I often feel like the HUGE mistakes, ok sins, I have committed in my life are branded on my forehead for all to see. I feel like people know what I’ve done and are wondering what kind of Christian I really am. I realize that is my problem and nobody else’s. How vain of me to think that people have nothing else to think about than my salvation. Kathie can attest to the fact that there have been incidents in the past that tend to push me to those thoughts. I do have a couple of people in my life that feel the need to keep track of my indiscretions and remind me and others that I have sinned BIG.
Then, I read Kathie’s post. AMEN sister! That is how I feel every day. I used to pray that I could just be quiet. If I’m quiet, I can’t possibly say something offensive or shove my foot all the way down my throat. Obviously, I have been praying the wrong prayer. I love what Kathie wrote about praying that God puts kind words in my mouth. That’s exactly what I should be praying for these days. I am not always kind and I often say things before I think about them. So, Kathie and the sermon about working hard not to sin the same sin again really kicked my butt today. It’s actually much deeper than that, but that’s what you get today.
I am watching Ace of Cakes and someone ordered a cake of the Titanic sinking with an airplane crashing into the sinking ship. That is EXACTLY how I feel today. Titanic meets Airport 77. I want to go to church, but I want to feel good when I’m there. What’s wrong with warm and fuzzy while I worship? That was a completely rhetorical question for those that are chomping at the bit to tell my why Christianity and my faith are not always warm and fuzzy. I think I will give the church another try next Sunday. Remember the time I took Synnove to LGCC and the pastor was in the baptismal pool in his hip waders? Well, nobody was wearing hip waders so I guess one more chance won’t kill me.
I went to church today for the first time since Kath left. It made me wonder what I missed more, church or worshipping with Kathie. It felt really weird at first and then it didn’t. Warning…this post will only make sense to me! I’m not sure how comfortable I really was this morning. Joanna reminded me that sometimes it is about doing what God wants us to do, not what makes us comfortable. That being said, I completely agree but, should you feel nauseous? The worship was a little slow and I like it fast and loud. I love to sing my love of Christ really loud. We repeated some stuff that I wasn’t paying any attention to so I was lost and didn’t much care for that portion of the morning. The sermon, which started after a discussion about marriage and homosexuality that made me uncomfortable, was about Romans 5:1-5 and really hit home for me. I need all to know that I am in no way bashing the church; I am simply writing about my morning. Back to Romans…I often feel like the HUGE mistakes, ok sins, I have committed in my life are branded on my forehead for all to see. I feel like people know what I’ve done and are wondering what kind of Christian I really am. I realize that is my problem and nobody else’s. How vain of me to think that people have nothing else to think about than my salvation. Kathie can attest to the fact that there have been incidents in the past that tend to push me to those thoughts. I do have a couple of people in my life that feel the need to keep track of my indiscretions and remind me and others that I have sinned BIG.
Then, I read Kathie’s post. AMEN sister! That is how I feel every day. I used to pray that I could just be quiet. If I’m quiet, I can’t possibly say something offensive or shove my foot all the way down my throat. Obviously, I have been praying the wrong prayer. I love what Kathie wrote about praying that God puts kind words in my mouth. That’s exactly what I should be praying for these days. I am not always kind and I often say things before I think about them. So, Kathie and the sermon about working hard not to sin the same sin again really kicked my butt today. It’s actually much deeper than that, but that’s what you get today.
I am watching Ace of Cakes and someone ordered a cake of the Titanic sinking with an airplane crashing into the sinking ship. That is EXACTLY how I feel today. Titanic meets Airport 77. I want to go to church, but I want to feel good when I’m there. What’s wrong with warm and fuzzy while I worship? That was a completely rhetorical question for those that are chomping at the bit to tell my why Christianity and my faith are not always warm and fuzzy. I think I will give the church another try next Sunday. Remember the time I took Synnove to LGCC and the pastor was in the baptismal pool in his hip waders? Well, nobody was wearing hip waders so I guess one more chance won’t kill me.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Monday, February 04, 2008
Why not.
4 Things About MEME
4 Jobs I've Had
4 Things About MEME
4 Jobs I've Had
- Busgirl at Country Store
- Kitchen / cabin cleaner at Camp O-Ongo
- Hotel Manager
- Teacher
4 Movies Watched Over and Over
- Princess Bride
- American President
- Steel Magnolias
- Top Gun (I'm not afraid to admit that Tom Cruise was hot BEFORE he was wacked)
4 Places I Have Lived
- Idaho Falls, Idaho
- Charleston, South Carolina
- Glendora, CA
- Running Springs (30 years this month)
4 Shows I Watch
- Frasier
- Cashmere Mafia
- Good Eats
- Gray's Anatomy
4 Places I Have Been
- Disney World
- Yellowstone
- Hawaii
- D.C. (Obviously, never out of North America)
4 People Who E-mail Me
- Heidi
- Jerry
- Mario
- Tim
4 Favorite Things To Eat
- Chocolate
- Chicken Cordon Bleu
- Steak
- Big, juicy cheese burgers w/fries
4 Places I Would Rather Be
- Hawaii
- Anywhere with my husband
- Idaho or Georgia
- Disneyworld / Disneyland
4 Things I Look Forward To This year
- Summer vacation
- Tim flying in an airplane
- Girl's weekend in Idaho
- Paul Bunyan's first summer job
4 People To Tag
- Heidi
- Jerry
- Mario
- Synnove
Friday, February 01, 2008
Not so sick anymore, but not completely healthy. You never know how good "well" feels until you don't have the energy to blow your nose. Trying to talk to children and walk at the same time had become a HUGE chore.
I get to sew with Joanna, Synnove, and Deborah on Sunday and I'm really looking forward to spending some time with adults. Tim has been gone for the last week and will not be home until the 9th. I miss him terribly! It's hard to have your other half gone for that long. Paul Bunyan is great company, but it's not the same so I am really excited about Sunday.
My kiddos are getting a little hyper these days and they needed to have a "talking to" by the principal while I was out sick yesterday. Their little faces looked pretty pitiful when they found out today was "silent day". That is exactly what it sounds like...no talking for the entire day. I don't think I've ever seen them produce so much work. My autistic student is falling farther and farther behind so we are working on placing him in SDC to prepare him for Jr. High. I don't really want him to go, but the rest of the class is so much further ahead of him that he really shouldn't be considered "mainstream" anymore. It's a double-edge sword if you think about it. He does well behaviorally in the class, but he reads and works math problems at a 4th - low 5th grade level. I end up having to make a lesson plan for just him and, lets face it, I really don't have time for that when I have 25 other students. Bummer.
In other news, I had a puppy for three hours the other day. He was adorable and Paul Bunyan loved him for the 30 minutes he was able to be with him. We noticed fairly quickly that he was throwing up water so I took him to the vet almost as soon as I got him home. Note - he was a stray that I found at work. To make a really long and sad story short, he had Parvo and I had to put him down that same night. According to our vet, it would cost $800-$1,000 to help him and he would have had a less than 50% chance of living. At least he didn't die in a ditch in Colton. He was warm and loved for the time that we had him. Needless to say, Tim is taking King to the vet next week because I can't go to the "house of death" for a little while.
Have a good weekend!
I get to sew with Joanna, Synnove, and Deborah on Sunday and I'm really looking forward to spending some time with adults. Tim has been gone for the last week and will not be home until the 9th. I miss him terribly! It's hard to have your other half gone for that long. Paul Bunyan is great company, but it's not the same so I am really excited about Sunday.
My kiddos are getting a little hyper these days and they needed to have a "talking to" by the principal while I was out sick yesterday. Their little faces looked pretty pitiful when they found out today was "silent day". That is exactly what it sounds like...no talking for the entire day. I don't think I've ever seen them produce so much work. My autistic student is falling farther and farther behind so we are working on placing him in SDC to prepare him for Jr. High. I don't really want him to go, but the rest of the class is so much further ahead of him that he really shouldn't be considered "mainstream" anymore. It's a double-edge sword if you think about it. He does well behaviorally in the class, but he reads and works math problems at a 4th - low 5th grade level. I end up having to make a lesson plan for just him and, lets face it, I really don't have time for that when I have 25 other students. Bummer.
In other news, I had a puppy for three hours the other day. He was adorable and Paul Bunyan loved him for the 30 minutes he was able to be with him. We noticed fairly quickly that he was throwing up water so I took him to the vet almost as soon as I got him home. Note - he was a stray that I found at work. To make a really long and sad story short, he had Parvo and I had to put him down that same night. According to our vet, it would cost $800-$1,000 to help him and he would have had a less than 50% chance of living. At least he didn't die in a ditch in Colton. He was warm and loved for the time that we had him. Needless to say, Tim is taking King to the vet next week because I can't go to the "house of death" for a little while.
Have a good weekend!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
