Did you ever feel so far away from God that you think you couldn’t get any further away? I feel like I have always believed that God would provide but I am having a hard time with that one at this moment. This is the first time in 17 years that I am not bringing in a pay check. Not sure how to deal with that. I was alright at first but the longer it goes on, the worse I deal with it. I know that I want to teach and I know that I love the kids but I hate not getting paid. I know that student teaching was the right choice for me but I hate feeling like I am not contributing to the family income. Tim hasn’t said a word so I know that it’s my ego pulling me in the wrong direction. It seems like everything I do, say, and feel is so ugly these days and that really bothers me.
Working towards being a teacher is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I’m not used to having to jump through so many hoops to do what I need to do. I didn’t do very well on my last project and I have to go in for counseling with one of the professors. I have no idea what I did wrong and they don’t seem to be in too much of a hurry to help me fix what I messed up. Frustrating…more frustrating that I pay them a butt-load of money and they don’t seem to feel the need to return phone messages or emails in a timely manner. The problem with all of this you ask…I can’t apply for my credential until I fix the project. UGH!
Next, I have yet another test to take. I don’t have the energy or the desire to open the book to study and that is a problem because the test is on Saturday. Ok, so I passed all of my other tests on the first try and with very little studying but this just feels different. I have always been fairly lucky with this type of stuff and have been able to go through life getting what I want with what feels like very little effort. These hoops are really working me over and I realized just how spoiled I really am. Again, ego pulling me farther are farther away from what I know is right.
I have one last project due in two weeks and I don’t want to start it until I know what I did wrong on the last one. Lame? I think so too. I really should get started and stop saving this stuff until the last minute but the desire is disappearing. Nancy and Tony gave me a book titled, "Grace for the Moment' by Max Lucado, and I just can’t seem to open it. I don’t feel very deserving of His grace right now. I feel selfish and ugly and whiny! Bigger UGH!
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A much happier person with a much happier life!
3 comments:
Oh Holly...you're in my prayers, and any time you feel a need to vent, I'm here! I just had a heart attack when I looked at my planner and realized that I have my first TPA due on December 11 and I haven't even started it yet.
I'm sorry about all of your school frustrations. I've had a really hard time with getting certain people in the school of ed to answer voicemails or emails; it's incredibly frustrating. All I can say is keep soldiering on.
Out of curiosity, what test are you taking next? I just have the RICA left. Pleah.
RICA...take it now!
You already realize this, of course, but Holly - you're not worthy of His grace, nor were you ever. Take it while the getting's good! ;)
I think I can sympathize to some extent with your lack of paychecks. Though I've been working at the bookstore while going to school, it doesn't contribute a huge amount to our total income, and after this month, I won't be working there any longer. I'll be spending my senior year at MCAD focusing entirely on my artwork. I'm excited about not having the distraction of work to deal with every week, but I'm already beginning to feel pangs of my impending, further loss of perceived independence. I'm going to be even more dependent upon Marilyn for survival than I was before, and I'm going to feel even less justified in making purchases for myself. As much as I'm thankful for Marilyn's willingness to put me through art school, and for God's providing for our needs, I still get hung up on this.
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